Katy Perry: Part of Me

I'm on a bit of a documentary kick at the moment. Having forgotten that I had added the Katy Perry concert film as a half-joke to my Lovefilm list, I was more than a little surprised when they sent my an e-mail saying it was on its way. So, I decided to throw caution to the wind and not only watch it, but share my thoughts on it too. Just call me Mr. Open Mind. Actually, if we're talking nicknames, can you just refer to me as "The 12 Incher" instead? Everyone should know about my favourite pizza diameter.

Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012)

I quite like Katy Perry. When I first heard her debut single "I Kissed a Girl" I hated it. It was the pop song equivalent of an attention seeking bimbo, pretending to more more drunk than she actually is, necking with her best friend on the dancefloor in the hope that some boys are watching. Since then, I haven't minded her singles and actively liked a few. Her pitchy voice isn't good and it sounds even worse live, but it's inoffensive catchy pop. Something for which I have a soft spot for.

"I am not looking up quotes from the Katy Perry film"

Part of Me follows Katy Perry round on a year long global tour. That's basically it. For the first half of the film it seemed to be what I was expecting: rigidly sticking to the usual pattern of backstage shenanigans, interviews and stage performances. It was a basic exercise in brand promotion, complete with fans saying how much of an inspiration she is and her family saying she was always destined for stardom etc etc.  So far, so eye-rolling. What really surprised me though was the second half where she's clearly knackered from jetting back and forth all the time and trying to hold her doomed marriage to Russell Brand together. There's one bit in particular when she's all glammed up in a ridiculous outfit, ready to go on stage and she can't stop crying. It's really disturbing to see the cartoon pop princess openly sobbing right before she has to perform in front of a hojillion people. I was super-prepared to have to sit through 90 minutes of corporate sparkly guff. That I was not expecting. Perry's roots are quite interesting too, having been raised in a strict Christian house with her dad being a preacher. We see her early music career falter due to labels trying to make her the new Alanis Morissette or the next Avril Lavigne.

There's not too much else to say about it, really. Most of it is just performances of Perry's famous singles and a few crappy album tracks. The performances themselves are colourful and extravagant as one would expect. It's a genuinely lovely thing to see young fans of hers light up with wonder as fireworks go off or Perry changes into another outfit in the blink of an eye. As with most things of this ilk, the film really has a focus on making it "all about the fans", presumably so that they'll buy more shit. The fans are interesting. They range from young girls with braces to "wacky" mums. It must be said that her male fans are the campest bunch around. There's only one exception during one of her songs where the camera cuts to a female teen and a typical jock vest-wearing douche, complete with barbed wire tattoo, both belting out lyrics like you wouldn't believe. I had to pause the film due to laughter. I don't understand why her fans cry though. It's a phenomenon I've never understood- screaming and crying for your favourite celebrity. Is it just a huge outpouring of emotion? If I was famous, I'd be really freaked out by a huge gathering of screaming and sobbing teens. It's akin to a nightmare I once had.

"Seriously, it's not worth my time."

I actually enjoyed Part of Me. I'm not the target audience, but the songs were energetic and fun. It also contains a proper peek behind the glitzy curtain at Perry's personal life and a level of honesty that I thought impossible in a production such as this. I bet you anything that Justin Bieber's Never Say Never didn't contain scenes of Bieber weeping. If it did, I'd torrent that shit so fast. Anyway, Part of Me ain't great, but it's not bad either. Now away with you before you realise you've spent a good couple of minutes reading a clueless fatso's opinion on a glorified promotional item.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part Two

You knew it was coming- especially as I've made a point of seeing and reviewing every Twilight film thus far. Whilst the critical reaction has been predictably cool towards it, I'd heard from some reliable Twihards (who aren't as blinkered to the franchise's flaws as you may think) that Part Two was a decent conclusion to the saga. I will say it again, I don't hate Twilight. It's about time that tween/teen girls are catered to in the way teen boys have been for years. I just wish it was better than it is. Anyway- for people yet to see it- SPOILERS ABOUND. Seriously- like the bastard I am, I spoil the entire ending so you have been warned.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part Two (2012)

So yeah, it's the final Twilight film. Well, at least until they work out some kind of Jacob/Renesmee trilogy later on - because money. To be honest, I'm a little bummed out. Having got on board with it late, I caught up with the Twi-phenomenon pretty early on, having only missed the first film in cinemas. Suddenly, all the previously baffling fangirl squeeing made sense. Whilst I have never truly rated a Twilight film (highest scoring so far is New Moon with an average three stars), it was a cultural milestone that I understood. I was "with it" for a while. But, to quote the great Grampa Simpson: "then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me."

"I thought we would be safe forever. But "forever" isn't as long as I'd hoped."

With no concessions for latecomers to the series, Part Two focuses on Bella (Kristen Stewart) adjusting to her newfound lease of death as a super-powered vampire. Bella, new hubby Edward (Robert Pattinson) and their daughter Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) are trying to settle down as a family. Shape-shifting wolf lad Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is still hanging around having "imprinted" on the Cullens' daughter in the last film and being bonded to her for life. All is not well, as the vampire order, the Volturi, led by vampire elder Aro (Michael Sheen) are misinformed that Renesmee is an "immortal child" i.e. a child that has been turned into a vampire rather than the human/vampire hybrid she is. Since immortal children are against the Volturi code, Aro and his army of fanged fuckers start marching towards Cullen HQ with the sole purpose of executing Renesmee. With the last book split into two films because, y'know- money, Part Two feels pretty padded at times. The film basically covers the last third of the book where Bella is all fanged up and there's not much of a story left to tell. Having not read the source Necronomicon, but glancing through the Wiki page, I can ascertain that the film deviates rather drastically from the novel. I'll get back to that in a minute.

Kristen Stewart cannot act. Being the kindest I can, all I can say is that she has a supremely limited range. I have not seen anything with her in to convince me otherwise. Here's where the internet's legion of white knights jump in and tell me to check out On the Road, the recent Jack Kerouac adaptation where Ms. Stewart gets to showcase her non-blockbuster side and has the room to properly act. I saw it and it was OK, but all it proved is that she's even boring with her top off. She gives the same flat, wooden performance here that she has done throughout the series. Conversely, I think Pattinson really can act, having liked him a lot in Cosmopolis. He's hampered here as zero-charisma Cullen. Talking of people who are boring with their top on, Taylor Lautner gives a OK curtain call as Jacob. As usual, Michael Sheen is the best thing in the film, with his Aro reaching new levels of Saturday morning villainy. There's an amazing moment late in the film where he gives a creepy, ridiculous laugh that fucking killed at the cinema. It got a huge snort from me. Dakota Fanning doesn't have much to do this time round, which is a shame as she's great. She does get one very memorable scene that I won't spoil for you though.

So- that tantalising deviation I teased you with. In the book, the Volturi march their way to Forks, meet the Cullens and their assembled army, have the Renesmee situation explained to them and then promptly bugger off back to Italy. The filmmakers knew the audience would have major cinematic blue balls if they had to sit through and hour and a bit of padded preparation for the Volturi battle only for the situation to be defused instantly. So we actually get a huge battle involving super-powered vampires and huge-ass werewolves. I shit you not, it is AWESOME. It's schlocky and ludicrous, but boy, is it fun. It's brutal as balls too, with heads being popped off with the gleeful abandon of a deranged child going to town on a bucket of Lego figures. Major characters get thoroughly merked and I had my mouth agape. Shit, this was brave. Sadly, it turns out to be a projection of a possible future by Alice (Ashley Greene), which is one step up from "it was all a dream". It's a sorely-needed injection of fun into an otherwise pretty drab flick. A couple more good things: for the first time in the series, the film has some stylish opening credits which are great. The dialogue isn't as fist-gnashingly terrible as it has been in previous installments. Sure, I'm still not likely to get any lines chiselled onto my tombstone or tattooed on my neck, but it's functional rather than outright embarrassing. In another first for the series, I believed Bella and Edward's relationship was bordering on genuine love. Whilst the actors still have no chemistry with each other (even though they date in real life) it's nice to see something approaching human emotion in the film. Plus, I even liked the sappy montage at the end. I know, I know- just snap a pink thong on me and ship me off to Fire Island.

Lavish credits aside, the film still looks as cheap as anything. This is a tentpole 2012 picture, released by a major studio, that has the privilege of being a current pop culture touchstone and having a built-in dedicated fanbase. They could have tarted things up a bit, but it still looks like an episode of Doctor Who. The effects are still as rough as a jar of dog arseholes and no effort has been made to improve them. Skyfall may have been accused of sucking the corporate cock a bit too often with all its product placement and "brand alignment" (a phrase that makes me want to fucking vomit) but at least the money's all there on the screen. Breaking Dawn has plenty of its own products strategically placed and has at least 75% of Bond's budget. That's not to mention the fact that pretty much the entire soundtrack album (available wherever Goth girls dream) plays at arbitrary points during the film. Where is all this sodding money going? The CGI wolves still look terrible and some of the vampire whooshing effects are truly laughable. Part Two is the only film in the series where I've felt it has open contempt for its audience.It's an unnecessary release for starters, but no effort has been made to make it considerably better in any way. Oh, and the name "Renesmee" is still a stutarded fartmanteau.

Part Two does retains some of the series' trademark cringeworthy moments and baffling decisions.There's a moment early on where Bella and Edward are getting busy. This being a PG-13/12A you can show heads being ripped off but not anything slightly saucy. Therefore, they had to get clever. To show Bella arriving at O City and not content with showing the perfectly acceptable "fist clenching the sheets" shot, they CGI in some sparks and golden mist around her head. It was HILARIOUS. Which I'm sure it wasn't meant to be. They also do something creepy with the infant Renesmee where they've CGI'd the face for no apparent reason. It has a really distracting and unnerving effect like those reprehensible Evian ads that showed CGI rollerskating babies and was the direct cause of a huge wave of unprovoked civilian stabbings. CGI ain't cheap, so why the living balls were they messing around with orgasm sparks and baby faces when they could be making the motherfucking plot-important wolves more convincing? Christ- I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

"Lot of red eyes around here..."

I'm inclined to be kind to Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. I'd be a bare-faced liar if I said I didn't enjoy it. Whilst it really isn't saying much, I think it's the best of the series or at least on par with my favourite, New Moon. I'm certain it pleased its audience. If I was entertained by it, they must be going mental in the multiplexes. I'm glad that Hollywood seems to have realised the potential of the tween audience and is prepared to put megabucks behind projects. The awesome Hunger Games probably wouldn't have been made if it weren't for Twilight leading the way. It's just a shame that the series as a whole is a badly written, irony free experience. Girls deserve better than this and hopefully amongst the fucktillion projects tailored for the same audience greenlit in Twilight's wake, there'll be a few good 'uns out there.

Space Jam

I'm not doing this to be OMG random lol!!!!!1 #YOLO #KONY2012. I heard R.Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" on the radio the other day and it struck me just how odd it was that the song was done for the unbelievably shallow Space Jam. I can totally buy "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" for The Lion King, but The Lion King was actually about something. It had emotions in it. Plus, Disney kind of unofficially own that "video of orchestrally backed song with film projected in the background" thing. Anyway, it got me thinking about the film and here we are:

Space Jam (1996)

You'd be hard-pressed to find something as lazy and mercenary as Space Jam. I don't think I saw this in the cinema at the time, but I sure as hell remember the marketing. I was excited for Space Jam, even though I didn't know the rules of basketball and I had no idea who Michael Jordan was. Space Jam is based on the then highly successful Nike adverts featuring Jordan and Bugs Bunny.See a classic example here. Adverts turned into feature films have never been a good idea, with the Jim Varney Ernest films and the Johnny English films both based on 30 second annoyances and attesting to that fact. I remember liking it as a kid, but the real test is revisiting these things later and seeing if they hold up. It really doesn't. It's terrible, but you already knew that.

"C'mon, Michael! It's game time! Get your Hanes on, lace up your Nikes, grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade, and we'll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark."

The plot is that some aliens want to take the Looney Tunes back to their failing space theme park and have them as permanent attractions. Bugs Bunny (Billy West) et al. instead challenge the vertically-challenged invaders to a basketball game. The aliens then steal the talent from NBA players and become big and scary, calling themselves "The Monstars". The Tunes rope in Michael Jordan to help their chances and avoid becoming space prisoners. Fuck me, I know some kids' films don't try, but Jesus. I really hate it when kiddie films put in no effort whatsoever like this. The film is a giant advert for adverts and as such has no time for anything like plotting, decent characters or jokes. The Looney Tunes cartoons are genuinely funny. Who doesn't love a bit of Bugs Bunny or a smattering of Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner? Here they're not their usual funny anarchic selves. They're corporate shills doing and saying safe, unfunny things to sell trainers, fast food and tie-in toys. It's fucking tragic. Talking of "fucking tragic", Michael Jordan. The guy may have been good at dunking, but he ain't good at acting. Same goes for the obviously-famous-to-Americans other players who have all the thespian talent and charm of a turd in an envelope. The only bright spot is Bill Murray turning up, but he's only here in a "oh shit, it's Bill Murray!" type capacity.

The film wants to be like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? but gets nowhere near. Roger Rabbit is a clever film noir pastiche and the animation is beautiful. This is just some slapped together toss. Here's the thing, as a rule of thumb kids don't need much to be entertained. I think the test of a good kids' film is whether you can watch it as a jaded adult and still enjoy it. Some Disney films still hold up. A lot of the Pixars have and will continue to stand the test of time. Do you know why? Because they are about the story. Roger Rabbit was about the story, not famous cartoon characters farting about. That was just a tertiary element. 

Space Jam is boring. It has a vague idea what kids like and crowbars in all the popular Looney Tunes to say their catchphrases before focusing on Michael Jordan again. I remembered it being a lot more enjoyable than this. I feel sorry for the parents who were bullied by their kids to go and see this. Weirdly, the film has small nods to its adult audience with references to Patton and Pulp Fiction (the latter complete with a blast of "Miserlou"). It's really strange. Strangest of all though is the introduction of new "Tune" Lola Bunny. A literal Jessica Rabbit character, she slinks around making all the toons lust after her. Oh, and she has a thing about being called "doll", so clearly she's a classic female character for the ages ( I think I remember Pamela Anderson's character in the equally shit Barb Wire having a similar character trait). The level of sexualisation here is off the charts. A quick dark but educational trip to DeviantArt proved that she gained some sweaty perverted fans after her appearance in this film. Jerking off over cartoon rabbits, that's how far humanity has sunk, people.

The film made me realise a few important things:

1) A kids' film that holds up to the harsh criticism of a jaded adult is truly a treasure and should be celebrated as such.

2) Basketball is all presentation and no substance. It's a boring game in an incredibly glitzy wrapper.

3) Kids will pretty much enjoy anything.

4) Not even Bill Fucking Murray can save a film this bad.

"This guy next to me is doing something very weird in his raincoat." 

So I guess I asked for it, but Space Jam is a stinker of epic proportions. I've seen a few people holding it up as a childhood classic, but I challenge those same people to sit down and watch it now. It really isn't good. It's not even passable. The only interesting thing about it is that, amazingly, the original promotional website is still up and functioning. If you want to see what passed for the Internet back in the mid to late '90s, check it out here. Hahaha! What backwards feckless cavemen we were back then! Anyway, reviews of real films coming soon. Watch this space.